Dear Dr. Karen: Am I Madly in Love or Not?

Dr. Karen,

I do not know what this is all about. But I am madly in love or not?? I really do not know what to call it as.

I am so much attracted to this man. We have been together for three years now. We broke up a while back because I blew up the issue as he was dating other women. For him I am just one of many, but for me he is everything.

The word Man means only him to me. Anyone walking tall on the road reminds me of him, if I see any pair on the road I think only of him. Any romantic scene on TV reminds me of him. I know very well that our frequencies never match and we are not the made for each other...but above all this there is something which makes me crave for him all the more. I am angry over him - as he did not treat me with self respect, used me when he did not have the confidence to lure other women. But now I am of no significance to him. It hurts. That is the reason I broke up with him. Maybe I would have handled this better if only he would have told it straight that he used me. I cannot take it in that he played with me.

But above all this anger, I am unable to hate him. I feel something for him which I cannot describe in words and which cannot be erased. Can you help me out!!! This is neither letting me live nor die..

Lawen

Dear Lawen,

I can answer you simply. No, it is not love.

Why not?

Because true love is free and unconditional. What you have instead is an addiction. Yes, an addiction. You are addicted to the chemical hormones coursing through the cells of your body and you are “high” from your feelings of longing as well as your feelings of anger. It makes you feel alive.

Your intuition has already told you that “your frequencies never match”, yet you pursue him. And I can make a couple of guesses why you do. One possibility is that when you were young, there was someone in your life that you could not “have”. You couldn’t get enough attention from that person, a parent perhaps. Maybe that parent was unfaithful or untrustworthy.

I’ve seen countless examples of how adults who were abused as children still long for their parent to love them despite the obvious evidence that they do not have the capacity to do so. You could be repeating an unconscious pattern from your childhood that “makes you” addicted to pursuing the love and attention you never received as a child.

So you have a decision to make. You can continue on your unrewarding pursuit of an addiction, with its highs and lows, and never feel the true joy of a truly loving relationship. Or, you can get some help to free yourself from your current addiction.

Don’t underestimate the power of your addiction. You will need help and support to neutralize it. It will take time and lot of self-compassion. It has nothing to do with “him” and everything to do with your own conditioning. He just represents a part of you that you need to heal. His unfaithfulness to you is a blessing. It hurts, yes, but it is an opportunity. It is an opportunity for you to truly LOVE yourself first.

If you truly LOVE yourself fully, then you would never desire to be with someone who treats you less than you wish to be treated. There’s the key. You actually don’t love yourself enough to let go and realize that there are plenty of other men out there who WILL love you and be faithful to you. But it starts with changing YOU.

Bottom line, go get some professional help. You don’t have to do this alone. I believe in you.

Blessings,
Dr Karen Kan